Allen's Pantsless Adventure
by Spot
Summary: Chizu is sucked spontaneously away from her college exams and onto a strange planet where she meets an extroidinary swordsman with a huge ego who has problems keeping his pants on. How will she ever get home? And why is there a carp in her napsack?
1. Romance, Intrigue, and dirty socks!

  
  


Spot: Ah yes, another day, another Fan Fic. But you must be reading this because you like Allen from Tenkuu No Escaflowne. Well I assure you, Ladies (and Gents) that There will be many mushy, gushy Allen moments in this fan fic. But be WARNED!!! This fan fic is also a satire in regards to just about every other fan fiction. It will be riddled with humor, and excessive information. I also have a tendency to add these really pointless introductions at the beginning. Oh, yes, much like this one.   
  


Enjoy till your monkeys go NUTS!   
  


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Chapter One: No White Rabbit In This Tale   
  


Chizu awoke with anticipation of the new day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, breakfast was toasting in her handy-dandy toaster, and her cat needed to be fed. Then she glanced at her To Do list, and immediately allowed herself to be swallowed up by her covers with a groan. 

"Not exams! I hate, hate, HATE exams!" she cried into her pillow with vehemence, "I loathe, abhor, detest and despise exams!" She sank her teeth into the pillow in an effort to calm herself, hoping to expunge the horrors of exams with the clean taste of her sheets. 

Until she remembered that they weren't clean. Indeed, they hadn't been washed for months. 

And her cat was complaining very loudly of imminent starvation. 

With a melodramatic sigh, she tossed the foul covers aside, snapped the blinds shut, and staggered about in the confines of her rather dirty apartment. Her roommate, Joe, had left already. 

A note in the slow, sweeping scrawl that belong to said roommate announced itself in huge letters on the table. 

"Milk: none. Cereal: zilch. Exams: 3. Good luck." 

"Lovely," Chizu scowled, glaring with vehemence at the offending note. Her cat, Stefan, leaped onto the table, and proceeded to trample the note into the piles of books and papers heaped in hazardous stacks on the surface. Chizu ran a hand through her scraggly hair, and stumbled over to the fridge. Opening a can of wet cat food, she took a grimy fork out of the overstuffed dishwasher and mashed the sloppy mess into a mushy pulp. Upon completing this enticing treatment, she set the can on the counter and turned away. Stefan didn't even yowl a thank-you as he greedily devoured the food. 

"Gaw, I hate mornings," The girl yawned, extending both arms above her head in a long stretch. Her pants promptly fled her lower half to dwell about the ankles. 

"What the--" She yelped, grabbing at them, missed, and then bent to pull them up again. A knock sounded at the door. 

Grumbling, our young heroine stumbled towards it, pj bottoms gripped in one hand, the broken cord that had formerly cinched them in the other. She tossed the latter over her shoulder, and pried over the door, plowing a path through dirty socks and cat toys. 

"Yes?" she inquired of the young woman in a cap standing impatiently in the doorway. The girl sighed and pushed past her. 

"You're not even dressed yet! Gods woman! Pull yourself together! We have all of half an hour to get across the campus for Japanese exams, and you're still---Oh my holy mother's pope, this place is DISGUSTING!" The woman pulled her cap off her head and scratched at the short, black hair framing her thin, pale face. Green eyes widened at the decrepit dorm. She spun about the face her bleary counter-part. 

"What do you want from me, IC? I'm up, aren't I?" This proclamation was enunciated with a wide yawn. IC Tapped her foot impatiently. 

"Put some clothes on! We can't be late! And hurry up.. I'll.. Try and clean up a little!" Chizu's friend commanded, immediately diving into a pile of junk that had managed to completely submerge the dilapidated couch. 

* * * *   
  


"I Hate, hate, hate exams!" Chizu grumbled into her arm as IC shoved a Snickers at her. 

"Eat something, keep up your energy," the practical girl said. Chizu buried her face further into her own skin. 

"I have Trig next... I'm going to fail!" The blonde moaned, prying her face off her appendage long enough to tear into the candy bar. All she got was a sympathetic look from her friend.   
  


At that precise moment, a beam of blue light shot down out of the sky and sucked Chizu up into oblivion. 

And away from her candy bar.   
  


* * *

Spot: Yes Yes, I know what you're thinking. "What!? No ALLEN?!?!" Breath girls. Shade. Chill. Beatnik. It's coming up. I just can't stay awake long enough to stick in Chapter two. But trust me, he'll be there! *wink* 


	2. Wherin There Appears the Pleated Skirt o

  
  


Spot: Chapter two. Woot! I'll, er.. Spare you the gory details. 

Allen: Indeed. 

Spot: Shyaddap, boy. Get back in your box afore I MAKE you! *crawls in box after him* TEEHEEHEE! Chapter 2 : Mysteriously Appears the Pleated Skirt! A stream of unbelievably colorful profanity followed the startled blonde up that streak of blue light as the world went by at a dazzling speed. 

Her breath shot out of her body painfully as she was deposited unceremoniously onto the ground again. 

Disoriented, Chizu lay on her back and waited for the stars to come back into focus. The stars.... 

"Whoah!" She exclaimed, blinking repeatedly, "where are the stars?" Those pinpoints of light above her were NOT the same as those she was so used to seeing. And there was a strange blue orb hanging over her head. A vaguely familiar ord. A blue moon of some sort. 

She sat up carefully, looking around, one hand to her head. 

The surroundings appeared normal enough. Pleasant flora shone in the watery blue light of the moon. Crickets chirruped cheerfully, and a small owl swooped by over head. 

Not to mention the ring of rough-looking vagabonds surrounding her-- 

"AH!" she yelled, jerked backwards as her view surrendered to a grimy face, bad teeth and foul-smelling breath. A cackle emerged from the rogue's throat. 

"Hello girlie!" he crowed. Chizu gagged, rubbed her nose vigorously, and shook her head. She thus demonstrated several techniques by which one might rid oneself of "all-day morning breath". 

"Doesn't your company offer a free dental plan?" she demanded, glaring at the offender. A few confused blinks from the surrounding ring of shadowy figures and shining eyes met her query. The leader just cackled again, waving away the question. 

"We're here to take whatever money and precious items you might have on you, my girl," he announced. Chizu rolled her eyes. 

"Well, obviously. I would assume tha--HEY!" She lashed out with her foot at an adventurous young villain who had taken a great interest in the amount of thigh her pleated skirt was showing. Come to think of it, she didn't remember putting on a pleated skirt this morning. In fact, she didn't even own a pleated skirt! 

The boy pulled away with a shriek, gripping his face. 

"M'nophe! Phe kicked by nophe!" (My nose, she kicked my nose!). The commander of this legion of scoundrels stared for a moment, then his face began to turn reddish from anger. 

"You little-!" He growled at her, "That's it. Off with the clothes! I wasn't going to do this, but you asked for it!" 

Chizu snorted. 

"God you idiots are dull." She rolled over and pushed herself to her feet. A kick sent her tumbling forwards again, blasting the breath from her body. 

Damn, didn't seem 'em behind me, she thought. 

Suddenly, there were hands on her, pulling at her clothes. Anger and fear turned her blood to ice and brought heat to her eyes and cheeks. She lashed out furiously with all four of her limbs. 

Despite her gallant efforts, she could not overcome the enemy. Every time she bashed one of the rogues out of the running, two more filled his place. Screaming with rage and frustration at the top of her voice. She struggled against a restraint of three men. She felt her zipper give, and anticipatory snickers from the men tickled her neck and set her hair on end. 

Then, the three heads closest to her suddenly fled their necks and found their feet. 

Chizu fell heavily to the ground, and was rendered temporarily incapacitated by a sunburst of color and stars. Something wet and sticky coated her face and hands, but she couldn't make the nature of the substance out in the blue-dark of this strange place. 

Several screams resounded in the clearing around her, and feet whipped past her sight. Not quite ready to face whatever new horror awaited her, Chizu kept her head down and tried to hide in the grass. 

Think grass, think grass. You are grass. You are one with the grass, She thought to herself. The area had gone silent, and a set of lone footsteps were slowly making their way towards her. 

Grass. Green, waving, grass. Grass, grass, gra-- 

"Excuse me.. Miss? Are you alright?" The voice was inches from her ear. Shrieking, the girl rolled away, trying to find her footing on the slick ground, and managed to fall over backwards instead.   
  


Staring down at her was the sihouette of a tall man, sword in hand, with some sort of strange bird on his shoulder. 

Squinting, Chizu endeavored to make out his features. 

"Who are you?" she snapped, hand roving about for something to throw. 

The sword slid back into its sheath with a metallic shhhhink, and the silhouette dropped into a squat. The light shone on long blonde hair and pale skin. A few wrinkles marred the perfection of his unflawed features and he peered at her. 

Chizu's mouth hit the ground. 

"I won't harm you. Are you injured?" 

"N-n-n.... no..." Chizu stuttered, swallowing a lump in her throat. He looked relieved. 

"Good. I am glad. What are you doing out here all by yourself? Where is your escort?" He looked around. Chizu flushed. 

"I don't have an escort," she said brusquely, "I can take care of myself." 

The stranger leveled her with a dubious glance, and then sighed. 

"My name is Allen Schezar. Here, let me help you up. I live nearby, we can go to my home and get you cleaned up and then... maybe you'll tell me your story? Those are strange clothes you wear..." She accepted the hand he offered her, and her eyes widened as he lifted her easily up from the ground and set her onto her feet. She staggered, blinking away afterimages. Her body felt weak, but she pushed it away. Probably just hunger. 

"Yeah, strange is right," she mumbled, tugging at the pleated skirt. "I feel like an anime character." 

"Are you sure you're fine?" Allen asked her, placing a steadying hand on her arm as she swayed and muttered under her breath. She shrugged him off. 

"Yes," she growled. 

Then the world rushed up to meet her, and someone turned out the lights. 

hr 

Spot: So... how does everyone like it so far? Leave me comments, suggestions, whatever. WHEE ON TO CHAPTER 3!   
  



	3. Wherein Much Nuduty Incurs No Revolution

Spot: AH! SEE!!? Change the name, and suddenly, what do I get? READERS! How thrilling!   
  


Allen: I don't have pants? HUH!?!? 

Spot: quit yer whinin' boy. Anyway, thank you for reviewing, peoples, and I'm gunna try to update more often. Hopefully bi-weekly, but, life does have the uncanny ability of bashing my head in with a sledgehammer now and then, so...   
  


Oh, just to clarify: Yes, there will be many lovey-dovey Allen scenes. But I also get the right to make fun of him as often as I want. Along with just about any other character. I can almost guarantee that Allen will be without pants for at least one chapter,, though I doubt it'll turn into anything "citrusy". That would just be weird. So don't write me hate reviews (I haven't had any of those yet. Goodie!) Or anything. It's MY right and I RESERVE that right! If you don't like it, don't read it. Sillies. NYAR!   
  


Allen: JELLIES!   
  


Nuku-chan: JELLIES!   
  


Spot: Just... read the chapter... while I... handle this......   
  


insert argument consisting of the word "jellies" shouted at undulating levels of pitch here   
  
  
  


CHAPTER 3: Wherein Much Nudity Doesn't Start Any revolutions   
  


Chizu woke up cold and sweating. She groped about blindly for her covers, fingers grazing frigid stone and mortar. Frowning, she attempted to turn over, and shrieked as her bottom half crashed off the bed onto her top half; already on the floor. From her new position, the blonde had a wonderful view of a fantastic hoard of dust bunnies gathering in full military force beneath the bed. They eyed her suspiciously, but proceeded with their doomsday operations. Chizu blinked a few times, the realization of her location slowly dawning on her. 

She was not in her bed at home. In fact, she wasn't even on Earth anymore. She appeared to be in a very large castle, the likes of which hadn't been dusted in ages, beneath a very regal bed, which likewise had been misused. She was naked, she was cold, and most importantly, she was HUNGRY! 

Righting herself, Chizu whipped the heavy quilt off her bed (detonating a thick fog of dust, which spread in mushroom-cloud formation) and wrapped it around her unclad body. The dust bunnies waved a farewell as she toddles out of the room, bleary-eyed and grumbling about cold feet.   
  


******************************************************************************** 

Allen glanced up as he heard a commotion down the hall, one eyebrow crawling its way studiously up towards his hairline. The other joined it with frightening speed as Chizu was dragged half-naked and fuming into the room by two very happy guards. 

"Er Captain, we uh caught a... uh.. Hehehe... you know..." he grinned, leered, chuckled and waggled his eyebrows in so many ways that everyone else in the room paused to watch. Allen dropped both brows and brought them together in a frown. 

"Are you using this ridiculous display to cover the fact that you can't remember the word "woman"?" he snapped. The guard giggled girlishly, and jiggled Chizu's arm. Her quilt slipped, and a round thigh emerged from the folds of fabric. A drooling silence followed this sudden development. Allen shook his head and snapped his fingers. 

"Release her, men! She's a lady, and not to be treated so roughly!" the captain ordered imperiously, flicked a strand of long, yellow hair out of his view. 

The two men promptly dropped their captive. She gathered her covers around her and slowly stood, shaking her own hair out of her face. Suddenly, the two went down with yowls of pain, clutching at their genitals in a manner that can only signify the most excruciating agony. 

And Chizu retracted her knee, turned around and bared her teeth at the room in general. 

"Need. Food. Now," Our bold and naked heroine growled barbarically. 

A veritable maelstrom of bodies and activity followed these three simple commands as soldiers scrambled to fulfill her request. 

Allen steepled his fingers and wriggled an eyebrow at his guest, mouth corners twitching convulsively. 

"Excellent choice in attire, my lady," he remarked. Chizu pulled the cloth tighter about her and blew air out through her lips in a rather rude gesture of impertinence. The knight laughed softly, and gestured for her to take a seat opposite him at the table. 

"Please, while we await your supper, would you tell me about yourself? Starting with your name?" His inquiry held her attention whilst he slyly whipped a pack of "nudie" playing cards off the table and into a pocket. 

Chizu plopped unceremoniously into the chair and fixed Allen with an curious look. 

"Name's Chizu," she stated bluntly, shifting her temporary robes. Allen swiftly caught the proffered hand with his own and touched it to his lips. Chizu laughed. "Wow! That was almost renaissance!" 

Allen released her hand with a bemused smile, and touched at his hair impulsively. 

"Your hair is gorgeous," Chizu exclaimed, leaning over to touch it, hold it, touchie-touchie, feelie-feelie, and so on. Allen nodded knowingly, eyes closed with satisfaction, totally overwhelmed by his all-encompassing beauty. 

"It is perfect, isn't it?" he smirked. Deliberately, he opened his eyes and found his view consumed by the voluptuous crevasse that was Chizu's cleavage. He stuttered out a few words, and grew silent, concentrating merely on swallowing the saliva welling up in his mouth. 

"Gargagaaaaulgle," he gasped out inarticulately. Chizu stopped her fondling, and slowly pulled back to stare at her host's stricken face. 

"What?" she demanded angrily. Allen swallowed loudly and managed to tear his eyes away. 

"You, uh... might want to change clothes after supper," he suggested when the capacity for coherence had returned to him. Realization slowly dawned on Chizu as she peered down her front and her cleavage yawned up at her in a most insubordinate manner. 

When the food arrived, it was set before a grumbling, ravenous Chizu and Allen, who sported suspicious red prints on either side of his face. 

******************************************************************************** 

LATER THAT EVENING.....   
  


Allen sat in front of his dresser mirror, running a brush slowly and lovingly through his golden locks. 

"Oh baby. Yeah, that's it... work for me, baby, work for me!" He murmured gently into his reflection. His chair complained as he stood up and gently placed the pearl brush on the bureau top and lifted his arms over his head in a long, luxurious stretch. His clothes lay all over the floor, his bed was scrunched and knotted with restless movement. 

He brought his hands down and planted them firmly as he surveyed his quarters in his yellow, silk boxers. Much as a slave master would his latest purchase. 

His lips pursed as he bent to retrieve his discarded clothing. 

Just then the door slammed open, and a bedraggled, wild-eyed Chizu exploded into the room.   
  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Plot Thickens Like Yo Momma's Stew

Spot: whew! Wasn't that the best cliffhanger ever? Huh? Huh? See the cliffhanger? Huh? Huh?   
  
Nuku: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!   
  
Dorn: YA n00b!   
  
Spot: oh, er...right. Hehe....   
  
On to...   
  
CHAPTER 4: The Plot Thickens Like Yo Momma's Stew   
  
Chizu gasped out a startled, strangled exclamation at the sight of Allen's silky, yellow rear waving about like a banner in the wind. Her face burned to a red-crimson as she froze in the doorway, croaking out her astonishment in the language of the frogs.   
  
Allen, hearing an unusual sound, glanced around his lower half in the direction of the doorway.   
  
And dropped the shirt in his hands.   
  
Chizu clapped both hands over her mouth, strange gagging, gurgling noises escaping revealingly between her fingers. Allen stood so abruptly he nearly lost his balance, waved his arms wildly to regains his balance, and held his hands in front of himself as if attempting to hid his flamboyant unmentionables behind them.   
  
Snorts of laughter wheezed their way through the girl's hands as her face swelled and reddened like an infected tomato. Allen glared at her indignantly, angling his shoulders determinedly.   
  
"And just what, may I ask, is so funny?" He demanded, hobbling awkwardly over to where his pants cringed on the floor. Chizu expelled a bout of riotous mirth as the knight struggled to pull his pants on and yet retain his modesty.   
  
He finally managed to succeed in his pants-regaining quest, and stood glaring down at the helpless girl with his hands placed firmly and effeminately on his hips. Chizu, arms wrapped about herself as if to avoid falling to pieces on the cold stone floor, was rolling on the ground, tormented by tremendous sobs of laughter.   
  
Allen glared at her with a look of the utmost displeasure, refusing to cow to his shame. He flicked a strand of golden hair out of his face and turned his nose into the air primly.   
  
"Stop laughing!"he grumbled at her as she slowly pulled herself back together. She giggled at him, and halted the bubbling hiccoughs of laughter with a fist, which she placed firmly between her upper and lower teeth.What are you doing, barging into people's rooms like that, anyway?" Allen arched an eyebrow in a most seductive manner.   
  
"And in your night-clothes, no less," he remarked off-handishly.   
  
Chizu bothered to recall her current garb, courtesy of the castle inmates; a men's tunic whose hem fell just above her knees, slathered in tacky purple-and-yellow pinstripes and little red duckies, with revealing slits up the sides. The sleeves, being a bit long for her, bunched about her wrists and the v-neck collar fell down to a revealing level over the round curves of her chest. She glowered up at Allen from under a curtain of hair, catching his gaze fixated on those very protrusions.   
  
"For your information," she icily explained, crossing her arms protectively over the area of concern, "I came to tell you that we're under attack and one of the men told me to come to you. He said you'd know what to do."   
  
Allen gaped at her, then dashed to his window. After a moment of careful and ponderous consideration, he walked deliberately back towards her.   
  
"You see?" Chizu inquired anxiously.   
  
"Indeed."   
  
"Do you know what to do?"   
  
"Yup."   
  
"Well...?"   
  
"'Well' what?" Allen scratched at an imaginary beard thoughtfully.   
  
"Well, DO IT!"   
  
Allen jumped nervously when his guest shouted at him, and gave her a blank look, his tone indicating that the solution was supposedly obvious and therefor his companions must be either blind of incredibly dense not to have known it..   
  
"Well, we have to go to the cave..."   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Right. Follow me then," he said, suddenly confident in his knowledge. He hustled straight through a door behind him and slammed it shut. An explosion of noises and cursing filled th next few seconds before the gallant knight reemerged, a mop head crooked on his head and a bucket encasing his left foot. His pants had somehow vanished in he abysmal closet, and Chizu prepared to question the whereabouts of his trousers but Allen cut her off by dashing past her and out the main door, leaving the bucket and mop behind.  
  
Chizu sprang to her feet and followed, matching every one of his long strides with two of her own.   
  
"Hey! Wait up, boxer-boy! Who's attacking us?"   
  
"Meh. Probably Dornkirk's henchmen," he replied with a nonchalant shrug.   
  
"This, uh, happen often?" Sleepy-eyed guards staggering about, half-dressed, yodeling for breakfast and what-not, narrowly avoiding the unswerving Allen. Those unlucky individuals who happened to meander too close to the swordsman's path were reprimanded with a swift depantsing. Chizu kept her eyes studiously on her host's feet.  
  
"Only about once every other episode. It's pretty standard," answered the gallant knight.  
  
Chizu raced to catch up to him, falling in stride beside the man.   
  
"What? What do you mean by episode?" she demanded of the cooly-visaged warrior.   
  
"Episode? Oh what I meant was--oh-look-at-that-nondescript-shiny-object-thing-of-no-importance-to-what-I-was-saying!" He shouted. When she spun about to stare in the direction of his extended arm, Allen grabbed her by the elbow, whipped her about, snugged an arm under her rib cage, and hefted her over his shoulder like a sack of watermelon rinds. Once she was positioned to his satisfaction, Chizu being too winded to speak beyond a surprised squeal, the knight took off at a loping run, baggage and all.   
  
Several cat-calls and knowing remarks followed the couple as they tore through the castle at a breakneck speed, mowing down any man, she-male and priceless heirloom that happened to fall in their path.   
  
The only comprehensive thought that ran through Chizu's mind were, I'm in a nightshirt, I'm hanging over a guy's shoulder who happens to be in nothing but silk boxers, and we're running through the halls due to a routine attack on a castle full of nothing but men.   
  
And then, why me?!?   
  
And following that, OWCH! as Allen used her butt to batter his way through a door.   
  
Spot: well, don't be afraid to comment on this page. ^-^ I'm getting there. OH! I'll be editing and re-writing pages 1-3 soon, so keep checking up on that! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 


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